Description
ConflictIt is important to know how to communicate in various conflict situations. Before completing your discussion, please revisit the Unit II: Technology Committee Scenario from your text.For this discussion, please respond to the following:Explain which conflict style Andrea and Max appear to use.Considering the style differences, what do you think of Andrea’s response to Max’s opening comment?Discuss how this conflict could have been handled to make the conflict more constructive.
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Communicating for Success, 2nd Edition
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Communicating for Success, 2nd Edition
Chapter 7: Managing Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict
Overview
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
7.1 What are the five stages of relationship development and the five stages of relationship deterioration?
7.2 What is the definition of conflict, what are several conflict escalators to avoid, and what theory explains why conflict often
results from email messages?
7.3 What are the four styles that people use in managing conflict, what is the main focus of each style, and what are some
suggested ways to communicate assertively?
7.4 What are several possible outcomes to conflict, and which outcomes usually result from the passive, aggressive, passiveaggressive, and assertive conflict styles?
7.5 What information and skills covered in this chapter relate specifically to your career?
AFTER STUDYING THIS CHAPTER, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO …
Evaluate your relationships to determine which stage of development or deterioration is involved and make changes for
improvement as needed.
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Identify any conflict escalators present in your relationships and minimize their effects as well as assess your conflict style
for handling them.
Communicate assertively by using confirming messages and improve the resolution of conflict in your relationships by
using the win-win outcome.
Manage relationships and conflict in a flexible manner, depending on the people and issues involved.
Credit: Shutterstock.com/2shrimpS.
Figure 7.1
Introduction
As you read in this chapter about the specific stages of relationship development and deterioration and ways to manage
conflict in relationships, see how many specific communication goals and tips you can find to help improve your own
relationships. Of course, each relationship is unique, and no description of a “typical” relationship can cover all situations.
However, you will hopefully recognize enough of yourself and your relational experiences within these pages to help you
succeed in your current and future relationships.
Before you apply Chapter 7 concepts to your own life, see if you can apply them to the Technology Committee chair and
members in our Unit II Scenario. Look for specific questions to answer in the margins at various spots throughout the chapter.
Refer to the scenario on page 160 to refresh your memory as needed. Be prepared to share your answers with one or more
classmates.
Relationship Stages
Technology has changed the way relationships occur in today’s world. Although most relationships still develop face-to-face,
strong relationships and even romantic relationships are also formed online. Cacioppo and his colleagues at the University of
Chicago found that one-third of marriages in America now begin online (Cacioppo et al., 2013). The study, which included more
than 19,000 participants, also found that the relationships that started online were less likely to end in separation or divorce.
The couples in those relationships were also more satisfied with their relationship. A study from the Pew Research Center has
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found that 15 percent of American adults have used online dating sites or mobile dating apps (Smith, 2016). The study
highlights two segments of the population with especially significant increases in the use of dating sites. Users in the youngest
age group, 18- to 24-year-olds, have increase from 10 percent to 27 percent in the past three years, and users between 55
and 64 years of age have increased from 6 percent to 12 percent.
LEARNING OBJECTIVE
7.1 What are the five stages of relationship development and the five stages of relationship deterioration?
Regardless of whether your relationships occur face-to-face or online, if they are high-quality relationships, they do not just
happen overnight. Instead they develop, are maintained, and sometimes deteriorate through a series of predictable stages that
may take several months or last a lifetime. One of the most influential models of relationship stages was proposed by
interpersonal scholar Mark Knapp and his colleagues (Knapp et al., 2014b). Knapp’s model is especially applicable to intimate
relationships, such as those you enjoy with close friends or romantic partners. As we mentioned in Chapter 6, intimacy refers
to the closeness in a relationship that is achieved by the mutual sharing of intellectual, emotional, or physical aspects of
oneself.
Although Knapp’s model can be used to analyze different types of relationships, please note that this model doesn’t work well
for analyzing family relationships. Although you may have achieved fairly high levels of intimacy with one or more members of
your family of origin, those relationships differ from friendships and romantic relationships in ways that are significant enough to
make Knapp’s model unsuitable. For example, you choose your friendships and romantic relationships, but you did not choose
your family. It is also true that most close relationships require you to disclose the pivotal moments in your life; however, less
discussion is needed when you are communicating with family members who were part of those moments. For these and many
other reasons, relationships with family cannot be viewed through the same lens you use to examine your other intimate
relationships.
Knapp’s model consists of ten stages, five of which are descriptive of the way people “come together,” and five of which
illustrate how relationships “come apart” (see Figure 7.2). Movement through the stages does not always follow a straight line.
At any point, people may choose to retreat to a previous stage as they wrestle with how to define the relationship, or they may
stabilize at that point for a short period of time or forever. Understanding each stage that relationships go through as they
develop and deteriorate can help us manage our own relationships.
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Credit: Figure based on content from Knapp et al. (2014b, Table 2.1, p. 34).
Figure 7.2: Stages of relationship development and deterioration
STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT
Think of a fairly new relationship you are in at the moment. Whether this relationship involves a friend or colleague, or is of a
more intimate nature, it is likely to be in one of the following stages:
INITIATING STAGE The initiating stage, as the name suggests, is the beginning of a relationship. This stage is very brief,
lasting only long enough for the parties to form a quick first impression of each other, to determine if additional communication
is desired by both, and to assess how best to move forward. You may have been thrown together through circumstance, or you
may have identified the other person as someone you would like to get to know. In either case, your goals for this stage are
fairly simple: You wish to convey to the other person that you are likable, approachable, and available for communication; and
you seek to determine if the feeling is mutual. Although the initiating stage may be brief, it creates a high level of anxiety for
many of us—especially when it comes to verbal conversation openers (see Chapter 6 for suggestions). Your nonverbal
communication is likely to include extending your hand to be shaken, engaging in eye contact, and maintaining a smile or
pleasant expression on your face. At the same time, you will be monitoring the other’s verbal and nonverbal responses,
especially noting any indication that something you have done has not been well received. For example, if the other person
backs off slightly, this may signal that you have invaded his or her personal space.
EXPERIMENTING STAGE The experimenting stage is the point at which you float conversational trial balloons on low-risk
topics in search of areas of mutual interest. You engage in “small talk,” an act that may seem superficial but is, in fact, a
necessary and valuable communication skill. Effective self-disclosure should be gradual; this is not the stage during which
revelation of one’s deepest, darkest secrets is appropriate. Low-risk facts and opinions are called for here, as you are only now
entering the outer layer of the model of social penetration discussed in Chapter 6. If the responses you receive to new trial
topics are monosyllabic with no reciprocation, you are likely to decide that this is a relationship that is going nowhere, and you
will move to terminate it: “So, do you come here often?” “No.” “So, where do you usually spend your Saturday nights?”
“Different places.” “Like where?” “It depends.” “I see. Well, it’s been nice talking to you. I just spotted someone I need to talk to.
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Have a good evening.”
UNIT II SCENARIO
Question #4
Which relationship stage best defines Joshua and Galina at this moment in their relationship? How would Joshua describe the
stage he thinks he in? How would Galina describe the stage she thinks she in? Give examples to support your opinions.
In the above example, no sort of true relationship was formed. However, when two people participate in small talk, both
answering and asking questions, a type of relationship is created: you are developing acquaintances. In your lifetime, you will
likely cultivate a great many acquaintances. Some may eventually become more deeply interpersonal, but even when they go
no further—and most will not—these relationships are important in helping you get your inclusion needs met. For example,
hearing your name called as you walk between buildings on campus gives you a sense of belonging. See the Spotlight on
feature near the end of this chapter to see the role that acquaintances play in employee satisfaction and retention.
INTENSIFYING STAGE A relationship begins to become truly interpersonal in the intensifying stage, as your communication
moves toward greater depth and breadth. Whether the relationship is one that is likely to become a close friendship or one that
has romantic possibilities, this is the most exciting time in relational development. Indeed, you feel exhilaration as you explore
the ways in which you are both similar and complementary, build trust through self-disclosure, share stories of your past, and
build new experiences that will become stories in the future. In fact, some people are prone to cycle through relationships,
discarding old ones and forming new ones over and over again, because they are addicted to the euphoric feelings that are
characteristic of the intensifying stage.
Your verbal communication in this stage features meta-communication, which is communication about communication. In
other words, you begin to talk explicitly about the relationship and the behaviors exhibited by each other that are especially
admired or appreciated in such comments as, “Thanks for listening to me without judging.” You may also attempt to define the
relationship, sometimes by discussing it directly and sometimes in a statement you make to someone else in your partner’s
presence, such as, “Hey, Nathan. I want you to meet my girlfriend, Mara.”
Your nonverbal behaviors provide additional evidence that this relationship is much more intensely interpersonal than most
(Guerrero & Anderson, 1991). Touch, for example, increases dramatically. Affection is expressed in a variety of ways. You no
longer wait until you happen to bump into each other; you arrange times to be together. You are likely to take great care with
your personal appearance, trying to look your best anytime you are with your friend or partner, and especially when you are
going to be around the other’s family or special friends. Knapp notes that in this stage you also express affection by doing
favors for the other and by exchanging “intimacy trophies,” which include objects that convey to the other that you were
thinking of him or her even when you were apart. You might say, “I saw this, and it made me think of you.”
Credit: Shutterstock.com/adriaticfoto.
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Figure 7.3: Intimacy trophies show you were thinking of the other person
INTEGRATING STAGE In the integrating stage, partners truly do come together. Others regard you as a social unit. If
someone encounters you alone, they may ask, “Where’s …?” Your social circles merge, as each of you forms secondary
relationships with the people who matter to the other. There are many nonverbal behaviors that occur in this stage. For
example, if your partner finds one of your friends objectionable, you will likely reduce the amount of time spent with that person.
In addition, you may find yourself taking on characteristics of the other person—one of the most striking aspect of this stage
(Knee et al., 2003). You may also find yourself adopting the speech habits of your partner, including inflectional patterns, verbal
expressions, and stock phrases. Another behavior of the integrating stage occurs when you develop routines that allow you to
spend almost every moment together when not at work or school or with your family. You call each other frequently just to
“check in” and catch up on what may have happened to the other in the two hours since your last call.
There are also many verbal behaviors that occur in this stage as well. The pronouns I, you, my, and your are replaced by we,
us, and our. This is noticeable when someone asks you what you are doing this weekend, and your response is, “We are
going to …” Similarly, common property is claimed, as you are likely to ask, “Where is our car parked?” even though the car
was the other person’s long before you met. Although this language usage began to develop in the intensifying stage, it is
solidly established now. It really isn’t an overstatement to say that in the integrating stage of relational development, you
become a different person from what you were. You may give up some interests if they are not shared by your partner—you
used to love the theater, but now you haven’t seen a play in ages. At the same time, you develop enthusiasm for one of your
partner’s interests, despite the fact that prior to meeting him/her you knew nearly nothing about it. For example, you couldn’t
have identified the favorite team’s colors before, but now you know the team’s three-deep roster. Think back to one or more
relationships that attained this level of intimacy, and you will probably see that those relationships may have been some of the
most significant factors in shaping who you have become up to this point.
BONDING STAGE You enter the bonding stage when you make a formal public statement of commitment to the relationship.
Once this formal public statement is made, dissolving the relationship becomes more complicated, partly due to legal and/or
religious sanctions. On the other hand, marriages and commitment ceremonies provide greater incentive for the partners to
work to make the relationship successful. That “little piece of paper” seems to make partners feel more secure. Although they
probably don’t verbalize it, prior to the marriage or commitment ceremony partners are aware that any disagreement could
result in the end of the relationship. As one woman put it, “I always felt that he had one foot out the door.” Of course, even after
marriage or a commitment ceremony, spouses and partners can and do leave. But most people who take their vows seriously
are more willing to stay and work it out than they might have been before. As a result, they feel safer to disagree and to stand
up for their own needs, knowing that a few arguments are unlikely to permanently affect the relationship.
Another change that occurs in the bonding stage relates to expectations. Behaviors that were once tolerated may now be
regarded as disrespectful to the relationship. For example, before marriage or a commitment ceremony, if one cohabiting
partner liked to spend a couple of nights a week hanging out with friends, the other partner typically felt reluctant to object.
However, after the marriage or commitment ceremony, the partner is likely to interpret spending time with friends without their
being present as a preference for the friend—something that is no longer acceptable unless such instances are reduced
significantly.
APPLY WHAT YOU KNOW: STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT
To apply what you know about the stages that relationships go through as they develop (the initiating, experimenting,
intensifying, integrating, and bonding stages) answer these critical thinking questions:
Think of one of the many relationships that you have developed since becoming an adult (preferably a relationship that
has now ended but that you don’t mind talking about) and briefly describe the various development stages that you
experienced.
What did you learn from this development experience that has helped you with later relationships?
STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DETERIORATION
It would be nice to be able to say about a relationship that “they lived happily ever after,” but we all know that relationships
sometimes do come apart. The intensity with which relationships begin to deteriorate depends upon many factors, including the
stage at which the dissolution begins. If a relationship has not progressed past the experimenting stage, the decision to
discontinue is accomplished by merely avoiding contact with the other person. However, once a relationship has advanced to
the integrating or bonding stage, dissolution often begins with significant conflict and advances through several stages of
deterioration that include differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.
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DIFFERENTIATING STAGE The differentiating stage resembles the integrating stage in that communication involves high
levels of self-disclosure and expression of deeply held feelings. However, while feelings about the relationship in the
integrating stage were mostly positive, those in the differentiating stage become more negative. Instead of centering on how
the partners are a unit and are similar to each other, differentiating communication focuses on their individuality and their
differences. Points of incompatibility assume great significance, and the conflicts that emerge in negotiating these tensions are
seen as threatening to the relationship. The desire for connection that marked the fusing of personalities in the integrating
phase is replaced by the need for autonomy.
In the differentiating stage, verbal messages are used to criticize the partner and reinforce perceptions of difference: “I don’t
know how you could think that. I don’t see it that way at all.” “Why would you do that? I would never do that.” The personal
pronouns shift from we to I and you. The “I” messages are used to assert one’s needs, while the “you” messages are often
accusatory or blaming. Nonverbal messages may run the gamut from hostile facial expressions and the withholding of touch to
the “silent treatment.”
The differentiating phase is undeniably scary. However, it may be a very healthy stage of development, particularly if one or
both partners gave up too much of themselves to meet their needs for connection in the integrating phase. What is needed is
an understanding of the partner’s differences and the willingness to embrace them as opportunities to enhance the
relationship. This requires superior communication and conflict management skills. If the couple can find ways to negotiate
differences, the relationship can stabilize and even emerge stronger than before. However, if the conflicts cannot be resolved,
the relationship will continue on a downward path.
CIRCUMSCRIBING STAGE In the circumscribing stage, the partners figuratively “draw a circle around” the topics that
cannot be discussed. Experience has shown them that little is accomplished by continuing to bring up the topics that divided
them in the differentiating stage. In order to avoid the overt conflict, touchy topics are placed “off limits.” The partners seem to
tacitly agree that “we won’t talk about your lack of helpfulness around the house,” “we won’t talk about my overspending,” and
“we certainly won’t talk about the relationship.” Since the restraints placed on communication do not encourage the open
expression of feelings or the renegotiation of needs, the relationship shrinks in intimacy; both breadth and depth are lost. Safe
topics—those about which the partners agree—are still allowed, and these permit the partners to interact in public in ways that
disguise the troubled relationship from others. The conflict is still there, but it has gone underground.
Restoring the relationship becomes more difficult in the circumscribing stage because of the constraints on communication.
Often a third party may be required to help the partners reconnect. When this is successful, the couple may re-experience on a
smaller scale some of the joy they experienced back in the intensifying phase. The key to achieving this sort of success is for
the couple to learn how to communicate again and, eventually, how to address their conflicts in productive ways. If this is not
accomplished, the relationship is likely to continue to decline.
Credit: © 2004 by Randy Glasbergen.
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Figure 7.4
STAGNATING STAGE Couples in the stagnating stage settle into a communication pattern that allows little room for growth
or movement in the relationship. The breadth and depth of their communication resembles interaction in the experimenting
stage, as it focuses primarily on superficial topics, often centered on the minutiae of daily life: “Did you have a good day at
work?” “We need to get a plumber in to look at that sink.” “What time are we supposed to be at the Bowmans’ house?”
Nonverbally, the partners express little enthusiasm for anything.
As we consider the stagnating stage it becomes apparent that the relational partners are surely not getting their inclusion,
control, or openness needs met unless the needs are very low on all three dimensions. For that reason, it would be tempting to
conclude that such a relationship will soon end. However, the reality is that, in many cases, the couple will stay in this stage
indefinitely. In such cases, it is not unusual for one or both partners to turn to other people in order to meet their interpersonal
needs. Extramarital affairs are an obvious case in point. However, there are other ways to accomplish the fulfillment of social
needs. Some people turn to friends to serve as social companions or confidants. Others throw themselves into volunteer work
or immerse themselves in the lives of their children or grandchildren. Sadly, there are also people who simply give up and
endure.
AVOIDING STAGE While some people remain in the stagnation stage, others make the decision to head toward termination,
going first through the avoiding stage. This is usually, although not always, a relatively brief stage. The goal is to limit the
channels of communication so that face-to-face interaction is limited. Even telephone conversations may be avoided so that
feelings aren’t inadvertently “leaked” through paralanguage. Communication is more likely to take the form of written notes, text
messages, or emails, and then only when it is necessary to communicate. When it is impossible to avoid face-to-face
communication, the partners are likely to create psychological distance by eliminating eye contact and offering very concise
messages and brief responses. There is obviously no depth left and minimal breadth.
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Credit: Shutterstock.com/oriontrai.
Figure 7.5: The final stage of relationship deterioration involves leave-taking
TERMINATING STAGE The terminating stage usually follows soon after avoiding is entered. The end of the relationship is
generally accompanied by some sort of leave-taking statement. Sometimes, those statements take the form of an expression of
sadness that the relationship has run its course. In other cases, the statement may reflect residual hostility toward the partner.
It is always painful when relationships end, but there are some relationships that probably should end. Even superior
communication and conflict management skills do not guarantee that a relationship can be rescued. Even when termination is
the only rational decision, the end of a relationship is accompanied by grief. You may wonder if it is possible to start over and
attempt to “do it right this time.” Sometimes it is possible. If both parties take time to examine the reasons for the relational
decline, and if both parties are willing to own up to their own complicity, sufficient personal growth can be achieved to justify
making another try. However, keep in mind that since communication is irreversible, all of the experiences you shared the first
time are now part of each partner’s frame of reference. Everything that happened in the past remains a part of your memory,
even if you decide to move on to a new relationship.
As previously noted, movement among the stages of development and deterioration does not always proceed in a straight line.
Although we may move back and forth between stages, generally speaking, we do not skip stages. To attempt to do so leaves
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important relational work undone. Propelling a relationship prematurely to bonding, for example, may result in an almost
immediate flurry of differentiating. You wake up in the morning and wonder, “Who is this person lying beside me?” You have
good reason to wonder, as you did not take the opportunity to use the intensifying and integrating stages to gauge whether
there was sufficient compatibility to support a committed relationship. Even the stagnating phase accomplishes necessary work
to allow termination to be experienced as an appropriate choice.
APPLY WHAT YOU KNOW: STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DETERIORATION
Apply what you know about the stages that relationships go through as they deteriorate (the differentiating, circumscribing,
stagnating, avoiding, and terminating stages) answer these questions:
Take the relationship you described earlier (the one that has ended) or a different relationship if you prefer and briefly
describe the various deterioration stages that you experienced.
What did you learn from this deterioration experience that has helped you with later relationships?
Relationships and Conflict
Few things in this world can be asserted with absolute certainty, but one of those is this: People are different from each other.
When you think about it, the fact that some relationships last a long time is more amazing than that most do not. Human beings
are complicated creatures, and bringing two of them together increases those complications exponentially. We are all a mixture
of needs—often contradictory and seldom easy to reconcile even within ourselves. It should not be surprising that conflict with
another person is a common experience for all of us.
LEARNING OBJECTIVE
7.2 What is the definition of conflict, what are several conflict escalators to avoid, and what theory explains why conflict often
results from email messages?
Although conflict in interpersonal relationships is inevitable, conflict resolution in work and personal relationships is possible.
Conflict resolution is a skill that begins with understanding what conflict is and what may cause it to escalate perhaps out of
control.
CONFLICT DEFINED
Conflict is an “expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce
rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals” (Hocker & Wilmot, 2018, p. 3). According to this
definition, in order for conflict to exist, it must be expressed. The anger you feel toward your close friend who chooses to spend
time with a new romantic interest instead of with you is not conflict unless you express it. You may experience internal conflict,
expressing your feelings intrapersonally as you sort out reward/cost ratios and dialectical tensions, but it is not relational
conflict unless your friend is also aware of your feelings.
CONFLICT ESCALATORS
The definition of conflict provides us with a basis for understanding the sources of conflict escalation, which include unfulfilled
needs, faulty attributions, and assigning cause or fault to others’ behaviors.
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Credit: Shutterstock.com/SFIOCRACHO.
Figure 7.6: Conflict is inevitable; conflict resolution is possible with skills
UNFULFILLED NEEDS As we learned in Chapter 6, each party in a relationship has varying needs for inclusion, control, and
openness. Those needs are complicated by the dialectic tension created by each person’s contradictory needs for
connection/autonomy, openness/privacy, and stability/change. The management and negotiation of needs is the most important
relational work we do in the intensifying and integrating phases of a relationship, which is why it is unwise to rush through
those stages.
As we struggle to achieve compatibility, we may consciously or unconsciously mask an important need. For example, you might
be more affectionate than you would prefer in order to meet the affection needs of your partner. Or you subordinate your need
for control because the other person requires dominance. It is almost certain that, at some point, you will find it necessary to
assert your unfulfilled needs, which could throw the relationship off-balance. This is often what is occurring in the differentiating
stage. Honest communication about your needs in the early stages of your relationship should assure that healthy
differentiating can be achieved. So, beware of your and your partner’s unfulfilled needs—they are conflict escalators. Don’t
wait; deal with them today.
FAULTY ATTRIBUTIONS (PERCEPTION) As we discussed in Chapter 2, attribution refers to how we explain the events in our
lives. Our sense is that we can better control what happens in our future if we understand the cause-effect relationships in our
past. When we observe another’s behavior, a key question we ask is: “To what should I attribute that behavior?” Consider the
following example:
Your roommate comes home, slams his books on the desk, opens the refrigerator door and slams it shut as well. You
wonder what could have caused those actions. You search through your store of knowledge to arrive at a possible
explanation. “Let’s see. He had a major exam in calculus today; perhaps he didn’t do so well. He was on the phone
with his girlfriend until late last night, and, from the sound of his voice, things aren’t going well there. Or maybe he is
mad at me because there isn’t anything in the refrigerator but a carton of outdated milk, and it was my turn to go to
the store.”
Each of your explanations is an attribution. Which one you settle on as the most likely will depend on a host of fa
